I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. It would probably take one text for me to get back together with my ex. I wouldn’t have to say “I’m sorry” or express any sort of regret. All I would need to do is initiate some sort of conversation, so I haven’t.
A few days ago, after texting me for an unrelated and non-romantic reason, he said, “We need to communicate more because as friends we don’t communicate at all.” This is totally my fault for agreeing to be friends in the first place. I didn’t know better and was stupidly optimistic. Being friends is absolutely not possible after six months.
Our text exchange has made me uneasy. I literally had to whisper scream, “No! We can’t be friends.” I think the internal struggle I was feeling is because I know it would be so easy. One text and I’d traveling back and forth to New York again. I don’t want that.
His intentions don’t matter. The only thing that matters is that I can’t do it. It doesn’t mean that I hate him. I’m not over the last three and a half years of my life yet.
So friends? No.
Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what I want. It happens. Do I want sandals with a low wedge or ones without? Au Bon Pain or Cosi for lunch? Should I move to New York and live with my boyfriend? Decisions, decisions! Sometimes I decide last minute. When I do decide, my mind is made up.
I have come to accept that some of my desires will take longer to come my way and I’m willing to wait. I can wait until Rudimental tours the U.S. again. I can wait until I have enough money to get an apartment in the city. I’m willing to wait for a guy who will treat me with respect. I’m not trying to wait forever, though. I just want the respect that every human being deserves. Is that too much to ask?
People say respect must be earned. I get that. However, in a situation where two people meet for the first time, I must be respected in order to reciprocate such feelings. Please, don’t treat me like an object placed on Earth to soothe your sexual desires. There’s more to me. Just like I’m sure there’s more to you. I am well beyond the stage where I want to jump the bones of every hot guy I encounter.
I thought I needed a meaningless fling to get over my breakup, but i quickly discovered that I’m not that type of person. I’m not knocking anyone who’s checking out all of the fish in the sea. I’m just being honest with myself. You know what you want and I know what I want. I’m an emotional person who doesn’t hold back her feelings. I don’t want to get attached to someone who isn’t interested in an actual relationship.
Maybe I’m too picky and I’ve set my standards at an unattainable level. After all, the whole reason you approach someone is because you find them attractive, right? I think it might be time to change that tactic and find friends first. I literally have no male friends that I speak to on a regular basis. That definitely has to change.